This was what this blog used to be, under the title “Twelve Moons”
For years I have not stepped on a scale. When I went to the neurologist and they made me step on the scale, I shut my eyes and didn’t listen to the clank and clunk of the sliding weights. Tonight I stepped on a scale and discovered that I’ve been carrying around a large child, or maybe an anorexic super model for some years now. And it made me feel very, very blue. The business of dieting and exercise is so much about deprivation and denial, and you know, I’m 50 years old and I’m just not interested.
Except. I don’t have a bad back, or bad knees or bad hips and I’ve watched friends go through surgery for all of those in the last few years. Bad knees seems particularly awful. I don’t have heart disease, at least, not yet. But there are things I don’t do because of my weight. I have taken to wearing elaborate scarves to hide my soft jaw line. I’m happily married and my husband loves me dearly regardless, but I don’t love me dearly so much.
I’m in the middle of what I hope will be a very successful book project, and you know, I don’t want to go on a book tour in a selection of tasteful grey mu-mus.
So this is my plan. I’m am going to write down what I eat. I am going to make a note of how much weight I think I have to lose. I’m going to record how many steps a day I’ve taken and if it’s not at least 5000 I will make up the difference on the treadmill in my son’s study. (And I hope to make that number of steps grow month by month.) And I am going to post all of that right here. I don’t expect people to read it. I just want something to keep me honest.
But I know it’s lonely out there. Women are bound together by our struggle with weight loss and gain, dieting and self-image. If you want to join me here in the comment section, you’re most welcome. There is nothing on this blog that is about shame or humiliation. I am not posting any “fat” pictures of myself. Or anyone else. (And certainly not that horrifying photo of the body scan of an obese woman.) I might post funny photos or quips as I come across them. Or not.
I’d like to lose 80 pounds and I’d like to do it in a year or so– twelve moons. The twelfth moon from now is March 27th, 2013. One to make ready, two to prepare, good luck to the rider and away goes this mare!
But it’s not that anymore.
For two significant reasons (injury followed by illness) I was not able to stick with the weight loss plan. As I drifted it away from it I used this blog as a kind of catch-all for short pieces. I got to the point where I was once again not comfortable talking about weight loss with the whole damn world. And then I just stopped. I do have another blog that is reserved for what I consider “serious pieces.” It’s called Occasional Songs and you can find it here. But it daunts me for some reason, so I rarely write there. I did post a memorial there for one of the victim’s of the Boston Marathon bombing– because writing that on a blog devoted to self-improvement seemed too callous for words.
But I missed having a place to write short pieces, stuff about food (and my relationship to it) and just the world at large. I have a serious project that I’m supposed to be working on. But writing is a habit and I have fallen out of the habit of it. I hope to kick myself into gear this way.
The name of the blog changed because the year had passed– and because I do most of my writing very late or very early, by the light of the moon.
Thanks for stopping by.