Today : Nothing

Walter Sickert, Ennui, 1913

I got nothin’. Tonight I’m not interested in being witty or thoughtful or bringing you wonderful new ideas about food, or weight loss or diet. I am cranky and out of sorts. It bothers me that there’s been so little response from the little town in Montana where we both lived to the death of a wonderful woman this week. I guess when you leave that place you are gone for good, gone and forgotten. So be it. Funny thing is one of the reasons I moved to Montana in the first place is because I wasn’t strong enough to stay in Boston and bury more friends as they died from AIDS. Then I went to Montana and I went to more funerals than ever before. Once a month I look in the online version of the paper from the big town over the hill and count the people we know in the obituaries. Anyway, it’s not just that. Or it’s not really that. Or something.

I just have ennui.

The dog and I went for a walk this afternoon. He abandoned me to drag a log out of the river. I kept walking. I turned several times to call him, but he would only look up briefly and go back to pouncing, jumping, gnawing. Eventually I sat down in the grass, put  my head on my knees and saw a picture in my mind’s eye as clearly as I could: the dog running to me along the grassy levee. In a moment or two, I looked up and he was speeding towards me. There’s so much about communication with dogs that we don’t even begin to understand.

When I started this endeavor, I was tired of food and bored with eating. But the project invigorated me and suddenly food was alive again– something to be savored, the object of daydreams, fascinating. Well, now that’s worn off. My husband despairs at my near-constant desire to go out to eat. It’s just that I’m so damn bored with food, at least a restaurant has entertainment value. I don’t know, maybe tomorrow will be better. I did think that one day next week, in lieu of doing a written post that I would just photograph everything I ate.

But really, who cares? Yesterday’s blog post got a number of hits, but no comments and no possible answer to my question- how do I eat enough? And really, this is ridiculous, I can hardly raise the interest to write, why should anyone care to read?  Don’t answer that.

Target number is 56.  Steps walked 5037. Consumed yogurt and granola, two hard-boiled eggs, banana, cup of cottage cheese, cherry tomatoes, orange, three dark chocolate waffeletten, cheese quesadilla, and two cups of watermelon.


12 thoughts on “Today : Nothing

  1. Holy shit, Larkin. I wish I had an answer for you. I’m probably not consuming enough calories either. I eat a lot of nuts and olives and I need more salad but I hate making it. I crave meat, too. I really am kind of thankful I am not keeping track as much as you are. I don’t feel as much failure. Maybe I can just trick myself more – I don’t know.

  2. So many losses of friends in the last few months – it must be overwhelming. I find that my circuts overload after a time of constant stress. Alas, when they do – everything short circuts.

    Sending you warm thoughts – you are so not alone.

  3. God, I understand ennui, but I don’t have any answers for you though. I can’t even answer my own stupid questions.

  4. Larkin I really hope your feeling better. You and I both know that in death we suffer alone. Every one has a full plate or they don’t have to care because they didn’t know the person. I am always relieved when I can say “God I’m glad I didn’t know them”. We forget or perhaps don’t want to think about all the sadness in the lives of those going through the actual loss. I hope you feel better soon. Folks do care they just don’t want to feel your pain perhaps. I don’t know the answer. I do know about suffering alone though. It isn’t good for you. My mother lost six sons so I never felt like I deserved to grieve my loss. I couldn’t put it on her plate. So I suffered through it I still do. Do something wonderful for yourself try to feel better, We really are so lucky to walk this earth. But it sure is a bitch somedays. I love you Larkin. I love your wonderful heart!

  5. I love what Terri had to say. And you my dear…bored with food…she who loves to experiment with flavors and introduce others to Velvet Underground…the cake..not the band…I do not believe it! I am sorry more of us from this neck of the woods did not respond to your loss. She sounds like an amazing woman…one who enriched you and family’s lives! I will admit…had to look up what ennui meant! I did not know…guessed and came close.
    I have gained so much weight since you have left…I am the size of two of the old me almost…depressing. Truly the best word to describe it. I have been trying to watch what I eat…forkful by forkful. I am not sure how to help you steer your food ship back into the deep delicious waters of enjoyment…but what I do know is by lighting a candle, pouring a glass of wine, eating alfresco now that the weather is nice, putting flowers on the table…just a little nosegay…that those special, little nonfood touches help make slimmed down meal a little bit more fun and enjoyable and special. It almost makes the meal taste better. So instead of slurping down a cup of yogurt in front of the computer (which I do far to often), or chowing on a meal in the car…pack a picnic and go for a walk with the dog and the picnic…embrace the magic that food can have and add to a sit down…do not have just a cheese quesadilla….make it queso mucho deliciouso!! It is crazy how just adding some flair to the name may take you out of the ennui and on to the sea of silliness around the joy of food.

    In a nutshell…have a few more calories that will bring some smiles…not just cottage cheese…doll it up with some feta or yummy olives…make it fun not just a diet…toast with a smiley face…I had scotch eggs for the first time…yummy!

    I do not know if this was helpful or not…but do not forget the nosegay!! Have a wonderful Mother’s day. Sending much love your way and I will be dining alfresco tomorrow morning and drinking in the sunshine with thoughts of you!!

    • Dear T. and Dear S.
      I miss you both so much. T., you give more credit to humans than I do. Stacey was one of the Moms at Pine Creek School when Julian went there. Jules stays in touch with a lot of the kids through FB. Stacey’s struggle to live, and ultimately her death were chronicled on FB too. You’d think that some of those kids (now high school and college age) would take a minute to tell their old friends how sorry they are– you’d think some of the other moms would step up and send their sympathies. It’s distressing to me that so many people appear simply to be clueless in these situations. One of the comments on today’s post came from a woman, a good friend, who is facing terminal illness– and in comparison, I have nothing to complain about. And of course, because she is little short of a saint (and I mean that) she doesn’t complain. It’s just us whiners in here. But pain is pain, whether you lose one child or six (Jesus) a parent or both parents, a friend, a dog, or your appetite for life. I am so thankful that I have friends that love and care for me, and put up with my occasional spasms of self-pity. Today was better. Thanks to both of you for your ongoing love and compassion. Wishing you both a wonderful Mother’s Day, may you find peace and joy and comfort there. Love, Larkin

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