Things must change. Recently the kind of feedback I’ve received via this blog makes me re-think taking this quest public. I am tired of criticism. I am tired of criticism thinly veiled as helpful advice. I am sure as hell tired of getting messages like this via Facebook:
I’ve been watching your progress. And reading your progression, as well And I need to first say that I am proud of you. Secondarily, I need to kick u in the ass. You got a great start you know what works for u and if u want the result you know u can have then, do it. I say this as I am struggling with the same issues myself. I like u, as u can well imagine struggle with my weight and fitness. Yet I choose to indulge when I know, on those occasions when I indulge, that I do so with knowledge of a difinitive consequence.
You also choose the feelings that u associate with the actions that u r taking. Choose to be happy. Choose to be fulfilled by the positive choices that u intend.
U r no longer on the Divorce Diet. U r choosing to be better to feel better, and I am as certain as I know u r that u know what the recipe is for the result u r cooking. Love the person u r as much as the person u r becoming.
This, on the heels of another friend’s query this morning about when am I going to stop fighting the use of a “tracker.” And frankly if my husband sugggests one more time that I check out the “Lose It” app, well I’m going to lose it.
It’s hard to know where to start, so bear with me a minute here. First I have to say I don’t know what the friend who feels she needs to kick me in the ass has been reading. I’ve had some down days, but I am not negative about myself. I am a realist. I ran across a great meme tonight attributed to J.K. Rowling: “Is fat really the worst thing a human being can be? Is “fat” worse than “vindictive”, “jealous”, “shallow”, “vain”, “boring”, “evil” or “cruel”? Not to me.” (Somehow her books don’t live up to her own philosophy on that, but that’s another topic altogether.) And I was never on the famous railroad divorce diet. So far this has been a journey without guilt or recrimination, the whole project is more joy than misery certainly. But let me make myself perfectly clear here: No one, but no one is going to “kick my ass,” metaphorically or otherwise.
A lovely woman offered me her unused Weight Watchers account to track my progress. (A kiss to you Miss G.!) She said she was never able to make it work for her , and she thought someone else might as well get some use out of it. I’m giving it back to her. I tried, I really did. It took me 15 minutes to sort out scrambled eggs with a bit of cheese and some vegetables– working out calories, grams of fat, of protein, of fiber. If you’re not getting most of your sustenance from processed, packaged food, or eating very simply (“one banana,” “one orange” ) you will spend enormous amounts of time trying to calculate all this crap. At least I did.
So I checked into My Plate on Livestrong.com. Maybe I was predisposed to not like it because Lance Armstrong sort of gives me the willies, but I ran into exactly the same issue as the Weight Watchers program. Finally, so that my husband would stop suggesting it (I have got to wean him off the morning talk shows) I looked at “Lose It.” I found a clue there to why all of these are such an anathema to me.
They expect me to budget. They “give” me an allowance. Well, fuck that. I am fifty years old and no one gives me a damned allowance. I am not going to spend hours of my day “tracking” my food. It is good enough for me to simply write down in a little notepad with a pen. It worked twenty years ago, and it can work again, though I understand it may be slower. That’s okay. I have patience.
I am not going to count calories, or fat grams or the freckles on my left arm. I see when I am not getting enough to eat, I can certainly see when I have overdone it. The whole point of keeping the list is to increase the awareness of what I put in my mouth. I want the consumption that I engage in to be conscious, whether it is food or money or time.
This is my journey. If it were a road trip and you were invited along I would still be driving, I would still pick the destination. You can choose the songs on the radio or suggest places for lunch, but you have little say in where we’re going or how we get there. I enjoy your company, I truly value your friendship and I am happy to entertain your suggestions, but I will not be heckled, or nagged, or publicly humiliated into undertaking this journey on a path that is not my own.
I had a ton of work to do at my desk today and hardly left it, except to go out to dinner at a Kennel Club meeting. There will be days like this. I am going to try to finish up a project tonight so that when the sun comes up tomorrow I’ll have time to go out and play. Target number stuck on 63. So be it. Steps today 1145. For breakfast: yogurt with granola, half a banana, cup of raspberries. Lunch: 3 scrambled eggs, 3 mozzarella bocconcini. Midafternoon snack half cup of cottage cheese. Dinner: 6 oz filet mignon, baked sweet potato, small caesar salad with anchovies. What I ate because I could dammit: 1 serving Cadbury mini eggs (190 calories, 8 g fat.)