Into the Dark



This has been a difficult day for me, for no particular reason. There is no meaning to why I feel as deeply despondent as I feel. It’s a busy time, and I usually thrive on that, feeding off the deadline pressure, buzzing with adrenalin. But not today.  I am sad about the death of my son’s teacher, but it isn’t her departure that makes me feel like nothing is worthwhile.

I am tired to the bone, but I think it’s just depression. I’m working on a book length project that I care deeply about, but I haven’t been able to spend much time on it because I am caught up in our hobby (dogs) and distracted by this weight loss project. Going out for all these walks takes up a hell of a lot of time.  I’m a week overdue on the newsletter that I am supposed to produce for one kennel club, and tied up in knots about the dog show coming up with the other.

Tomorrow is the entry deadline for that show. In a way it is the “do or die” day. We will know tomorrow if we have a prayer of breaking even. I feel a little sick about it all. I’d been left a parting “gift” from the former club president that has cost the club a significant amount of money. Though she moved away after we declined to elect her president again, she generally comes back for the show, and the last two days have been chock full of unpleasant and argumentative emails from her which she copied to everyone on the kennel club membership list. I know that I should not let this get me down, but it does. I am so tired. I have spent enormous amounts of time, energy and money on this project and I hate to see it spoiled. I just feel like giving up.

Hand me the pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

Today’s target number is 62.8.  I walked 3037 steps, and I’m just too unhappy to make up the rest on the treadmill. Consumed today: 2 cups of watermelon, half-cup of blueberries, thin slice of ham, banana, Rally Burger with cheese, three small chocolate eggs.



One thought on “Into the Dark

  1. I see over and over again in my life that walking forward when I feel like turning back is the only way I am ever able to change – thank you so much for posting this today – I identify with it so much.

    I am so glad you are still here 🙂

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