I’ve lost 19 pounds and I can’t see one damn bit of difference. I feel a little different– not so easily winded, a bit stronger, but when I look in the mirror I see the same old me. We all know about dysmorphia– seeing your body as something different than it is, though generally it’s used to describe anorexic or bulimic girls who look in the mirror and see themselves as fat, not fat girls who are still seeing the thinner person they used to be.  It isn’t that we don’t know that we’re fat. We know that. It’s just that we hope that we look better than we think we do.

This is probably why photographs are so shocking. Do I really look like that? Is that how the rest of the world sees me? How embarrassing. It’s a tough blow every time. I recently ran across an interesting website called My Body Gallery: What Real Women Look Like. You can enter any height and weight and there are photos of women to match. It’s a real eye-opener. A particular weight, let’s say 225, looks very different on different women. I used to weigh 130 pounds, and it is stunning to me to see just how thin that is. Was.

Might be again.

Today’s target number is 61. I walked 6039 steps. On the menu: yogurt with granola, Mediterranean salmon salad (greens, grilled salmon, olives, feta cheese, tangerine) 5 mozzarella bocconcini, apple, chocolate pastry, 4 oz filet, half a cob of corn, half cup rice pudding with nutmeg. I love nutmeg.


11 thoughts on “Dysmorphia

  1. You stopped me in my tracks this morning Larkin – you must be reading my mail. I am also shocked when I see photos because I think I am smaller than I am – I just described it to a friend last week that it was like opposite of Anorexia….you are the first person who has talked about it.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    • I thought I was probably not alone in this . . . One of these days our photographs will come into sync with what we “see” in our mind’s eye, and we won’t cower when someone whips out a camera.

  2. I agree with losing some weight and not really seeing it on yourself. I have posted pictures of myself to try to help me with that. I still can’t see much of a difference. I was hoping some readers would help me out seeing the goods and bads. We all need some outside influence to help us along the way.

    • Did you have a look at the link in the post? It’s interesting to see what people weigh– in this case it’s all women, but I think your wife would forgive you. Congratulations on your great progress– no doubt when we reach our goals the difference in our appearance will be significant.

    • Hi Margaret, it’s not that I’m being tough on myself. At least it doesn’t feel that way. I see myself as thinner than I am– when that notion is corrected (in a photo, for instance) it is a rude awakening. I thought there might be resonance in this for others. I am still quite cheerful about the whole process, though I would have thought that 19.4 pounds would have made a more visible difference, lol.

  3. Thanks for taking the time to write/reflect on something that seems so obvious-my-dear-Watson but no one ever talks about (though with 2/3 of the US overweight, the majority of us are experiencing this). But you’re doing great! You aren’t ‘seeing’ the results, but you are feeling them, and setting goals and planning your energy intake in a thoughtful way, with a great attitude, all of which is helpful not just to your own efforts, but to the many many people struggling with the same issue. Thanks so much for the thoughtful post – many of my clients would appreciate reading this story.

    • Sandra, many thanks. The absolutely most important element for me in this project has been the public nature of it. The audience serves as a great inhibitor in terms of over-eating, and they have been, for me, a wonderful support system. When I feel down, they lift me up. When I have triumphs, they celebrate with me. It’s been a remarkably joyous ride so far. If you think your clients would benefit from reading this, I hope you will encourage them to do so. Thanks again!

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